The Dumbness That Is Tod Maffin

Here's a tech piece by Tod that didn't make the cut.

It was simply too dumb.
OK, dumber than usual.
OK, as dumb as ever.

(italics are all mine)

Stoned:Surviving Business in an On-Demand World

Feeling a little slow these days? You’re not alone, and it’s not just because you left the iron on this morning (sorry, but someone had to tell you).

(didn't the Fire Department?)

(Going by the title of this piece, we know we're in for a treat.
Because Tod is going to tell us that to survive in business in an on-demand world, we have to get stoned.
Now that's revolutionary thinking!)

Research at King’s College in London has discovered that the “on-demand” world of business is, frankly, making us dumb. Test subjects were asked to carry out problem-solving tasks while being bombarded with emails and phone calls. As a result, their IQ levels dropped an average of 10 points — even when they were instructed to ignore the interruptions. (Incidentally, smoking marijuana, on average, results in a smaller IQ drop.)

(That's some discovery! And yet, some of us already knew that, because Tod is all business.)

(the conclusion would just as well be - distractions lower productivity. "That darn doorbell keeps ringing while I'm trying to play Warcraft. And where's that pizza I ordered over an hour ago?")


That’s right, you can perform more efficiently smoking a joint than sending an email (obsessive Doritos consumption aside.)

(I've had to look at that sentence several times. Perhaps because I just smoked a joint. And I'm asking myself, why don't I send an email AND smoke a joint?
As appealing as this finding is to me personally, my boss does not agree that I perform more efficiently smoking a joint than sending an email.)

We’ve all felt it. Emails that pile into our inbox like a teletype machine that never stops. A voicemail line that keeps filling up. A cell phone we’re afraid to turn on. This on-demand world has gotten a bit out of hand.

(Tod, you're afraid to turn your cell phone on? That's a bad sign.)

Luckily, tools are beginning to emerge that can help us regain some control over our day.
ONE PHONE. (NO, REALLY.)

When you think about it, none of us actually call people. We call places. “I’ll call you in your office,” or “I’ll call you at home” or “I’ll try to get you on your cell.” It’s inefficient and makes everyone try to second-guess where you’ll be.

(I'm trying to think like you, Tod, but it hurts.
We call places, not people.
That's only true if your cell phone is up your butt, Tod.

"Hello.
Is this the Taj Mahal? How's it hangin' Taj?
Hello? There's a bad echo.
I'm gonna try calling some other place. Bye.")

Solutions from companies like Mitel are starting to take advantage of IP-routed telephony so that now that important client only needs to have one phone number to reach you — and it will genuinely get to you, no matter where you are.

Here’s how it works: Your client calls your number. Since you don’t pick up at the office, it jumps to your cell phone. Turns out you’re just parking your car outside the office, but you take the call. Your client has no idea where you are. It’s irrelevant. You keep talking as you walk into your office. Then, with a single button-push on your office phone, it takes control of that call from your cell — passing the call through seamlessly, meaning you’re no longer paying for cellular airtime (and saving the old “I’m in my office now, can I call you back from a landline?” routine).

Shouldn’t business always be this easy?
ONE DAYPLANNER

My PalmPilot mysteriously died the other day. (Okay, I dropped it, but that’s not the point.) I tried to sync the empty Palm with the backed-up data on my computer and, instead, overwrote the backed-up data with the blank void from my handheld.

(Didn't anyone ever tell you, Tod, that you're just as stupid as everyone else?

You're dropping things, Tod.
First your expensive iPhone, and now your less interesting and less fun Palm Pilot.
The cosmos may be trying to tell you something.
Perhaps your psychiatrist is also trying, but you have too many distractions.
Why not have a nice , warm scented bath?
And don't bring any electronics with you!)

And so, I went retro. A single paper-based 8½x5½ dayplanner. And I’ve never looked back. No more categories, syncing, batteries, conflicts, or upgrades. The biggest upgrade I’ve had to do so far was to buy a new tab because I didn’t like the colour.

Again, shouldn’t it always be this easy?
ONE NETWORK PARTNER

I’m always amazed at how many companies spread their advice and network help thin. They have one partner for network management, another that does their email, yet another that handles security and VPN issues, and more. At the least, this leads to missed opportunities in finding cost savings with hardware in your network. Find a single network partner that can bring all or most of the network services to bear that you need. Then, when things go weird (this is the Internet, after all; things always do) you’ve got a single person to call who can coordinate the right solutions for you and knows all the pieces of your network architecture.

The future of business isn’t always easy to forecast if you focus on the technology, because technology changes so fast and because creative geniuses keep inventing things that shouldn’t be capable of doing what they do.

(Since business is forever dependent on the latest technology, and technology gets more complex ... then what basis on earth is there to believe that the future of business is simplification?
Because you dropped your Pilot and bought a day-timer until you can get another iPhone? - and continue with the simplification!)

But when you start thinking about how you can make your own day easier — from reducing the chaos of your day and endless phone calls to getting a quick answer from a real human being about your network — you realize the future of on-demand business is, ironically, simplification.

And if that always fails, there’s always a sale on Doritos at the corner store.

(Let me see if I understand what you just said ...
"the future of on-demand business is, ironically, simplification.
And if that always fails ..."

Should the words "if" and "always" be in the same sentence?
That seems ... ironic.

Tod, do you need help?
I mean, do you need help editing?
I can help you, and would gladly do so.

Unlike you editing me, without being asked!)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Tod Maffin is “one of Canada’s most influential futurists” according to The Globe and Mail.

And, he's an asshole, a phony, and too scatter-brained to make any real sense.
Why not have him speak at your next event?